FOX NEWS NEW PANIC What Kind of Husband Goes Grocery Shopping with his Wife?
FOX NEWS NEW PANIC
It has lately been brought to my attention, through the ever-vigilant sages of Fox News, that a most alarming degeneracy has taken root in our civilization: the modern man, once a titan of industry and remote controls, has begun… accompanying his wife to the supermarket.
I shall not soften the horror.
There he stands, in the produce aisle—examining avocados, comparing prices, even (God preserve us) holding the basket. What was once a fortress of masculine detachment has become a marketplace of shared decision-making. One trembles to imagine what comes next: recipe discussions? Coupon awareness? Eye contact over pasta sauce brands?
The commentators, in their wisdom, have hinted at two equally dreadful possibilities. Either the man has become a tyrant, hovering over his wife’s sacred domain of grocery selection, micromanaging the ripeness of bananas with despotic zeal—or worse, far worse, he has surrendered entirely, reduced to a docile cart-pusher under the gentle but firm dominion of a list.
In either case, civilization totters.
Therefore, I humbly propose a solution equal in proportion to the crisis. Let us establish designated Masculinity Preservation Zones—areas within supermarkets where men may stand idle, staring into the middle distance, occasionally grunting, while their wives shop in peace. Alternatively, for those already too far gone, we might introduce rehabilitation programs: brief seminars reminding them that knowing the price of milk is the first step toward societal collapse.
For if this trend continues—if men persist in participating in the mundane logistics of their own households—we risk a total breakdown of the delicate fiction that adulthood requires rigid theatrical roles rather than simple cooperation.
And once that illusion is gone, who can say what horrors await? Shared responsibilities? Functional partnerships? Mutual respect?
One shudders.
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